May 6th, 2011 by rob white
I am often asked what my thoughts are about relationships and echoing NO’s. So, let’s take a peek … and then please add your comment; it’s a great addition to what I offer.
Our relationships are puzzles with no instructions attached. However, we all try to manage our relationships, and rarely are able to succeed – they seldom turn out exactly as we dream they will be.
Relationships are always puzzling, and the more we try to demystify our relationships, the more puzzling they become.
When we enter into a relationship of love, it is even more complicated – because we are two, uniting as one, and yet we have differently conditioned minds; minds that experienced dissimilar NO’s …WOE’s … breakthroughs … and … WOW’s.
The biggest problem that causes problems in our relationships is how to be silent – how NOT to be caught in thoughts of NO. In relationships where there are a thousand problems, it’s because of the thousand echoes of NO that are going on in the two minds involved.
Even when one person is silent, the other person has a thought … and trouble can begin. Try it. Sit silently, and watch what happens – “Why are you silent? What’s the matter?” Where does this line of questioning come from? Even silence can be a haunting ‘NO’ … remember when mom was mad at you and gave you ‘the silent treatment’?
It takes work to bring a relationship to the level where there’s an absence of “NO’s”. Sometimes it happens when two people are tired, and begin accepting things as they are (a conspicuous absence of echoing NO’s shows up). It is far more rewarding to become aware of echoing NO’s, and work to rid the relationship of them consciously.
There is nothing more rewarding than harmonious relationships. These relationships are a consequence of ‘peace of mind’, which comes about when the echoing NO’s (of the past), subside in the mind. 
Harmonious relationships are not two people agreeing to the same NO’s. Heavens NO! That’s not it!! Harmonious relationships are based on ACCEPTANCE – void of NO’s.
When you come across a happy marriage – the basis is ACCEPTANCE. There is no better way to work on differences than to begin by ACCEPTING the differences without judgment or ridicule.
Until we solve a more fundamental thing about ourselves – our echoing NO’s – we cannot solve our relationship problems. Until we get over our personal NO-Attacks, there is no possibility of solving NO-Attacks that we impose on others!
The Authentic-Self says to you, “I am such a beautiful person, but you make me look so ugly when you allow NO-Attacks to effect how you relate to others.” Ponder this please.
The False-Self is an artificial person you created yourself to be in childhood moments of fearful NO’s. The False-Self can never experience harmonious relationships. It’s basis of existence is NO! It is difficult to know your personal challenges with echoing NO’s directly. It is easy to see them in a relationship.
This is a powerful blog. It is blowing me away! Read it again. Please don’t take it lightly, but do lighten up when reading it (don’t get down on yourself – that’s a NO-Attack!). There is something in here for you. There certainly is for me!
Blessings, blessings!!
“Best Comment of the Week”. This weeks best comment comes from Debbie ofThe Happy Maker. The runner up is Elena Patrice of WebSitesGiveBack.
Illustrations by nick
Got to Love this one Rob. I know all about the NO’S You made me smile. You say, “Harmonious relationships are based on ACCEPTANCE – void of NO’s.” This is very true. When we accept each other as we are there is no need for those NO’s. We may not think or use the same words and that is ok.
Rob in many ways you remind me of my hubby. He is an engineer and thinks very deeply. Rather then this getting in our way of our relationship, I respect the way he thinks and find it very fasinating. He in turn realize my thinking (how should I say it)does not have to be as perfected as his. We did at one time run head on with the NO’S and realize we could not use that word. In doing this we work more on understand where each other is coming from rather the judging what each of us is saying. In this way we learn from each other and grow in the process.
You are right forget the NO’s and acceptant each other and I might add respect each other for the differences. They can be very challenging, but fasinating. Isn’t life fun and grand!
Blessing to you Rob I shall sign of down before I hurt myself thinking to much. LOL Debbie
I want to say this to you from the bottom of my heart, Deb …YOU ARE AWESOME! I love your ‘share’. You have spoken what I have strived to say, and it is from your personal experiences. Such clarity! Thank you, thank you!
Hi Rob, Thanks for addressing this topic. I think you said it very simply and right on. All my relationships have followed the same pattern and only recently I’ve learned that it is ME who is responsible. Even my fallout with my roommates follows the same pattern as with boyfriends. I have an urge to fix and change people that just takes over after a while. It’s like the more comfortable I am with someone the more I try to change them. You are so s right. One word sums it up for me ACCEPTANCE.
You, Kara, are an accepting person. I have learned that about you, not only from your comments, but also from the last seminar you attended. The blogger learns from the commenter when the commenter speaks from the heart – which is what you do. Thank you.
Hello Rob,
Even after reading a number of NO focused blog posts by you, I had only really considered how my own NO’s have affected me, and how the NO’s that I throw out to my kids will affect them. The knowledge is enlightening because I care. From this I take away that others NO’s can affect me, and my NO’s can affect them.
I have not thought about the NO’s in regards to relationships. I immediately started to think up stories that my wife has told me from her childhhood…a childhood much different from my own, but still riddled with the same elements that we all faced: a bunch of NO’s.
I would say with confidence that my wife and I have acceptance. We know each others quirks; weaknesses and short comings and we accept that we are who we are. We don’t dwell on those things or our the past really, but we often talk about our future and plan together for it.
I throw this out there because as I think about this, I wonder how much the NO’s get in the way of our future progress. It’s something certainly worth being highly aware of. And I’m sure that just because I have confidence that we have acceptance there’s always room for growth.
Blessings Rob – Thanks for the life impacting blog posts, as always!
letting your mind work with full power requires involving your heart, Jk. You do this nicely with your comment, here. Reminding yourself constantly that the false wisdom of ‘rules and NO’ ultimately makes any matter worse. You are practicing this with your children and your spouse, Jk. When you turn to your real intelligence (which is a thought-process that goes beyond rules and NO), you create space for others to recover their playful and spontaneous essence. Now that’s a gift – that a extraordinary relationship! blessings
Rob,
This is so true! Accepting others without judgement for who they are from the beginning gives your relationship a fighting chance. When I was married I tried very hard to change my husband. What I realized after I saw the futility in that was that I wanted him to change because he was exactly like my mother – whom I also was unable to change or please. You have to accept them for who they are as they are. Try to do anything else and you’re guaranteed an uphill climb you’re whole life.
When we try to change anyone, Angela, it’s our echoing NO’s trying to run the show. We know exactly what is best for them – meaning we know what they should do and we know all the NO-NO’s they must stop doing. When you deliberately slow down the chatter of “NO”, you make great discoveries about yourself, about others, and about life. WOW! That is what you are up to. blessings
Hello Rob,
I don’t think there is one model for a good marriage (as a side note that’s my beef with many self help books- what may work for the author isn’t necessarily going to work for you). And I think that many marriages fail or are in trouble because they are attempting to abide by what may work for others but not necessarily for their marriage. I’m a happily married guy and my wife really adds to my life, but we went to several different marriage counselors and discovered that traditional marriage counselor type of advice just didn’t work for us. We had sort it out for ourselves and sort it out we did.
Riley
In order to sort out the problem in any relationship – one must sort out the conflicting NO’s between one another. A fat book of NO’s guarantees a failing relationship. The less NO’s, the better the relationship gets. When we go to others for counseling – we often ask them to tell us what NO to discard and what No’s to add. That’s just adding more NO’s to the big pile of NO’s that are hampering the relationship already. Remember – old NO-habits can only repeat the same unhappy and uncreative results. Thank you for you input. blessings
Right on, Rob. I have a great marriage because my wife and I simply accept each other. Sometimes we sit and watch TV and just smile at each other – and that’s enough! We both get it. No words to describe our bond and love. Any words would just water down the understanding. I may have gotten a lot wrong in my life but my wife and our relationship has been my greatest blessing. It is the bond of being best friends first.
You and your wife have put together a great relationship, Roger. You both are to be acknowledged and appreciated for that. Let your personal mind go right with another, and your personal relationship goes right with that person immediately. blessings
Oh yeah man. I got ya baby! I’m all about accepting and letting people be. Maybe too much so. My girlfriends up and leave because they think I don’t care about them. But thats alright because they are the ones looking for soap operas and petty fights – and that ain’t my bag baby! That’s why my guy friends are so tight. We just chill and let each other be. It’s a beautiful thing. My best friends are way different from me but we all just know how to hang and accept each others foibles – it’s the differences that make it interesting and fun, ya know? It’s just being at peace with how varied and different everyone is.
Soap operas and drama cannot exist, other than in a world of NO’s, Rus. Nice noticement. A person is told to be himself, but then hears a big “NO,” if that ‘self’ isn’t as the other expects. DRAMA! hmmm. blessings
Well, I really wouldn’t know much about this — my relationships don’t last long enough to get to that point! I think I’m a very easy going, accepting guy though. In my head I’d be a good boyfriend. Sometimes I think I’m too nice because hot women are looking for the bad-boy type. Ah well, I’ll keep looking
Here is a tip that may apply to you, Alan: don’t let other people use your mind as their personal playground. Ponder that. blessings
Relationships are tough. I think we become addicted to being with someone just for the sake of it. When I’m wrapped up in a toxic relationship it is so hard to see the light. It’s interesting what you say about silence. Sometimes that’s the hardest thing. Especially in bad relationships it becomes compulsive to trade barbs and attacks – it makes no sense but its almost like we would rather be fighting to keep things exciting.
Do you know what happens when you listen to the ‘world-voice’ with its mountain of NO’s, John. The world-voice convinces you that you need someone in your life, and then traps you with an unpleasant person. It is a very familiar theme that I have heard over the years. blessings
You’re an incredibly interesting person Rob – I want to hang out in your mind awhile. Your style is unlike many others and definitely keeps me on my toes!
Your words “sit silently and watch what happens” are amusing to me. I’m and “all or nothing” person; meaning I either talk a heck of a lot or am very silent. It’s disarming to others because they just assume there’s something wrong if I’m not rambling on. My silence is my peace, my observation time – I’m totally ok either way. But I get what you’re saying and you’re right on with this.
I’m not in a position to really comment from a love relationship perspective on this (outside of my child); however, if looking at prior relationships, one of the prominent issues for me was an individual was always trying to change me or wanted me to more as they desired. It’s funny, but the classic theme was always that they ended up hating in me what they claimed to initially fall in love with me for. Odd, yet I don’t think too out of the ordinary. The more I felt the hold on me to dampen those parts of me, the more I grew in rebellion. Now … I have a 5 year old who is my universe and I so appreciate where JK Allen is coming from and deeply need to think about how my NOs affect my sweet pea.
So another night of heavy thoughts and examination. Ahhh, but I like to be uncomfortable because I know I’ll grow from it. So Rob, thank you with a full heart.
And thank you for the mention; it’s kind of you to find my words worthy in any way.
Much kindness,
Elena
You speak from your heart, Elena …. it is clear that you have explored the mysterious ways of the human mind when it comes to relationships. It is a wonderful fact that the mind can understand itself, when it is set upon itself to examine itself. Nice job! blessings
Good one, Rob. “Void of NO” … I love that. That’s my marriage all over (most of the time
). Maybe this is why they say opposites attract. Being the complete opposite of my husband affords me the opportunity to just let him be his own individual. Trying to correct him would be futile! And thats the way we like it. We are still going to argue about the temperature in the house but when it comes to over all love and harmony there is no formula as wise as acceptance!
Sufferers wrongly believe that they will feel empty without their frustrations, and so they refuse reality’s obvious cures. You are not one of these sufferers, Carol Anne … you’ve proven this with many of your comments. blessings
Rob,
Nice post! Relationships are such a tricky thing when people are unaware of the baggage they bring in to the relationship. We all have our personal issues to deal with and when we assume the relationship will solve these it leads to serious problems. Putting these on our partner simply isn’t going to strengthen a relationship. Finding a mix between autonomy and emotional bonding is the key, and people have to be willing to have a solid personal foundation before committing to a relationship. We must be willing to have a personal life while at the same time be able to have intimacy and emotional growth.
Intimacy and emotional growth requires that we be alert to inward self-talk that wants us to think that we have all the answers. You are alert to that self-talk, Joe. I’ve noticed! blessings.
Hi Rob,
Excellent post on relationships. When it comes to relationships, I believe I’m a lucky person. I have harmonious relationships with my parents, family, friends, and the woman of my life. This doesn’t mean I don’t encounter “petty” and small annoyances, but I would say over 90-95% my relationships are harmonious. When it comes to “love” relationship, whenever we encounter a difference of opinions, we just agree to disagree. We respect each other’s differences at all times. Respecting each other’s opinions even if we disagree with it has helped our relationship a lot. Now, we view “differences of opinions” as something healthy. Another thing that I believe has helped me create harmonious relationships is “I apply what I learn to my life.” When I got into personal development in 1998, I didn’t apply everything I learned hence I made mediocre positive changes, but when I started to “apply” what I learn a few years ago, then everything turned 180 degrees. Nurturing our relationships is a daily task that doesn’t have an end. Now, I’m trying to apply what I learn to my “financial” domain. With God’s help I will get there. Thanks my friend for the excellent post!
I am hearing you say that you have the ‘relationship domain’ down pretty good, Dia … and now you are working on the ‘money domain’ of life. I love your clarity. One inner voice torments you about money, while another inner voice supports you with relationships. Where’d those thought-voices come from? Who installed them into your mind? Simply inquiring into this gives you command over the tormenting one. Blessings
Relationships are a puzzle.
The most useful advice I learned long ago is that while opposites attract, similarities bind. At the end of the day, our core values are key to driving our every-day existence and shaping our long-haul.
Core Values can block ‘self-rescue from painful living’ by supplying a man with lying arguments, J.D. For example – many folks hold dear the Core Value of ‘being right at any cost’. This value is far more important to them than winning at the game of life. The value ‘being right at any cost’ is dedicated to causing self-destruction, and it is slick about how it does it. So indeed, our Core Values are key to directing our lives, J.D. but we must double check them – they can insist that they are helping when they are actually harming us. blessings
This was a tough one for me to learn. I have had a long marriage but for most of that I’ve been like the proverbial “Bull in the China shop.” Luckily my wife new the “acceptance’ secret because she put up with my stubborn ways for many a year. I see now what a gift she has been by letting my rant and rave and not condemning me for it. I guess thats why they say “My better half.”
Indeed, Georgie, ridding a relationship of “NO’s” is the acceptance secret. Without NO’S, an exhausted relationship has the chance to recuperate. blessings
Hi Rob, this is just awesome. So many people just don’t know how to be silent. Most people feel that they need to fill the air with their thoughts and opinions whenever there is a void. When someone can be silent (not shy) there is peace and power behind it. I try to practice this as best I can.
Folks have a difficult time being silent because we have been taught to chant NO whenever life disagrees with us, Alicia. What happens if the word “NO” was annihilated! We’d be silent!! blessings
Turn the NOs into YESs – all the progress is right there. Interesting presentation of these idea Rob. Like it!
A sure sign that a person is living in psychic sleep, Marlee, is disbelief that he is living with NO’s. blessings
You bring up a lot of great points here, Rob. The hardest thing is being able to objectively look at our own “NO’s”. Sometimes it is is just impossible to see them for ourselves. Being in a healthy relationship can bring these out in a constructive manner. Just as I am able to see where my loved ones are having personal challenges they are able to sense mine. How we help people through their difficulties is a matter of acceptance — not saying “I told you so”. Acceptance can be like a gentle guide that helps people find their way. If two people are growing together in such a manner they have a lasting and strong bond.
Hey Salty, you’re not very ‘salty’ (but rather sweet) with this comment. what’s going on? TRANSFORMATION! blessings
I am lucky to be in a relationship that grows. My husband and I have come a long way in terms of acceptance, forgiveness and listening to each other from our hearts. It didn’t start out that way of course.
I’ve been enjoying your posts. They have an uplifting energy. It’s great that you are endorsing your own blog as a very powerful one. I certainly agree
It takes work to rid ourselves of the NO’s that stop us from relating with others (especially our spouses) lovingly, generously and harmoniously, Evelyn. We plant weeds instead flowers when our subconscious NO’s begin stirring – we’ve got to catch them (pluck the weeds – so to speak). You’ve done that with your husband. NICE! blessings
Hi Rob, I have to admit I am quite terrible in the matter of relationships. I think I do the OPPOSITE of everything you described here! LOL! I’m a terrible listener and big know it all. I’ve had a lot of relationships that I thought were love but turned out to fizzle. They all seem to follow the same pattern of intense romance for a few months then intense fighting… we usually end up never speaking again. I’ve never really taken a good look at this pattern until I read this in the beginning of the week. Thanks for the food for thought. There is a lot to digest for me.
We do not like it when others interfere with our happiness, Richard. So, why allow harmful NO’s to interfere! blessings
Acceptance. I really think when you strip away every analysis, every formula for success, every book on love, and testimonial on relationships, it comes down to that one simple word. It makes me think of Bob Marley’s quote, “So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze her…” just accept her.
Looking back, when those NO’s creep into the relationship, I would automatically push for change (and not me the other person). No to X…well then you should be more Y. That is not harmony. That is not a relationship. That is the power of NO trying to stamp its absolutism on everything it comes in contact with.
Powerful ideas Rob. My take away from this one, “I am such a beautiful person, but you make me look so ugly when you allow NO-Attacks to effect how you relate to others.”
Cheers!
Nice replay on the blog, Chris. Your additions add comprehension to the subject. Those who are courageous in relationships – they go headlong into them without adding “NO’s.” It’s a rarity, and such a treat for the rest of us! thank you.
Thanks for another great post!
Experiencing the power of ‘yes’ living in harmony with ‘no’ is a also a great blessing. It’s about accepting and allowing, and being A-OK with whatever the other person in the relationship says.
When we get upset with another person’s contrary opinion, it’s usually b/c it’s triggering something within ourselves that’s out of balance – or, perhaps, an unresolved issue resurfacing to be healed when we hear the opposite of what we believe in echoed (or mirrored) back to us.
Just as there is no light without darkness, being at peace with duality – being in a space of non-judgment – is often key.
It’s not about wrong or right, yes or no – but feeling the ‘yes and yes’ that lies within.
While I see the value in your statement, ‘there is nothing more rewarding than harmonious relationships,’ I don’t fully agree. I have reaped great reward from relationships that were not harmonious, but which brought much needed illumination and encouraged me to get clarity, be ‘me’ and honor what is.
Thanks again!
Thank you for your point of view, Lil. You write well; you offer clarity to your perspective. The only way to go beyond ‘the NO’s of a relationship’ is to accept that our point of view is not the only one. Then the ‘resisting energy’ is released, and we are free to grant others their beingness. what a gift we give! blessings
Yo ROB!! I don’t know why everybody makes such a big deal out of the whole boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife thing. I think people should be free to experience as many different people as possible. Why should I be tied down to ONE person when there is so much MAGIC to spread around HHAhHAHA!! I have a couple of gooms who I hang out with. It works for everyone because we are honest and everyone knows what the deal is. All it is just being cool and accepting. The worst thing you can do is TIE someone down!!
There is a lot of truth in what you speak, Magic. So, every person who is afraid, deep down, creates a big ego around the fear. This is a huge relationship killer. blessings
I go through men like cheap wine. I barely get into the relationship before I try to change them. I am full of NO, NO, NO. I know this about myself and I don’t know how to stop it.
Your memories of past relationships are not you, Kim. You are consciouseness, above all. Memory is simply a content of consciousness. The fact that you are conscious of how your past relationships have failed, empowers you to refine what you have done; it empowers you to turn your miss-takes into a final victorious take. Thank you for your honesty.
Rob: This is always one of my favorite messages. There really is nothing more important than living in the moment and pouring all your passion, energy and attention into whatever is currently in front of you. It really is all about learning to live in the present moment. Great message. Thanks for sharing it.
Rob, Just finished reading your article and it would be great to be in a harmonious relationship with someone you love. We all would love to get this with that someone special. http://www.makingurrelationshipwork.com/what-men-like-in-a-women/