November 17th, 2010 by rob white
I remember when I felt like nothing was working out in life for me; I felt like I was nobody. I wanted things to begin working out better for me, so I could feel like I was somebody. I said to myself, “I’ve heard that the squeaky wheel gets the oil, and so it may be time for me to make a nuisance of myself. Certainly, I am not getting what I want out of life right now, and I am feeling like nobody; it can’t hurt to give it a try.” I decided to make fussing and insisting my new way of living.
I made an interesting discovery while going through that phase in my life when I was fussing and insisting – my ego felt like it was ‘an important somebody” (even though no one else saw me this way). I also noticed that now that I’d come up with a scheme to satisfy my ego’s urge to feel like ‘an important somebody’, I felt compelled to fuss and insist over things that really didn’t matter to me. My God … I’d created a life of self-imposed misery, all for the sake of feeling like ‘an important somebody’.
It wasn’t but a few weeks before I found myself compulsively fussing and insisting about the smallest of matters. I began feeling discontent about everything! I created myself to be a spoiled brat, all in the name of shallow vanity (what else could it be?)
I was slow to admit it, but it was time for me to stop fussing and insisting; it simply wasn’t working for me. The habit of fussing and insisting wasn’t satisfying my inner urge to grow and develop in the least; as a matter of fact – fussing and insisting was downright dissatisfying … and I was doing it to myself!
Now came the problem: The habit of fussing and insisting wasn’t as easy to break as it was to take on. The first thing I had to do was let go of my delusion that feeling like I was ‘an important somebody’ meant anything. I had to look at the truth of the matter: my hypnotic love affair with my ego was downright insane … in the end, it explains every human tragedy that I cause in my life.
Is it possible that we all have hypnotic love affairs with our egos? Is that the cause of all human tragedies? Is it possible that when our view of ourselves in life is wrong, it promotes wrong action in our lives, which causes unnecessary self-injury? Could that be???
What is your love affair with your ego?
What do you do for ego satisfaction?
C’mon now … tell the truth.
And what human tragedy has it caused you to endure?
Are you saying you are always humble and willing to look bad (and even be proven wrong), in the name of learning something new? So few are willing to do this; so, so few!
Teacher: Do you want to know one way to channel your attention rightly?
Student: What do I have to do?
Teacher: Be willing to look at your ego-habits.
Student: What will this do for me?
Teacher: Correctly directed mental energy becomes a form of psychic healing.
Student: What is the result of psychic healing?
Teacher: If you want self-command so that you may design an extraordinary destiny for yourself – do not seek it in the ways of the ego.
What can you share about your ‘humanity’?
Dare’st you expose an ego habit in the name of helping others to grow and develop as a consequence of learning from you?
This is a challenging blog, indeed… Carpe diem!
See some pictures of rob and Mind Adventure at the Miami International Book Fair here.
“Best Comment of the Week”. This weeks best comment comes from Rus. The runner up is Anita. See their comments here.
This IS a challenging one. I have the habit of being a wise guy. I like to make sarcastic remarks to let people know when I am dissatisfied. I get to say what I say by not really saying it — I guess that would be passive aggressive. I’m naturally witty and urbane — but when I want to put people down it can be too caustic. I’ve learned to just plainly say what is wrong when something is bothering me. When I remember to do this it is much more effective.
Indeed, Salty, your hypnotic love affair with your ego is a ‘salty’ one. Your job is to be awake to it, and use it when it works and drop it when it doesn’t work. Now you are awake(not hypnotized). blessings
Wow, can I ever relate to this blog. I have many bad habits in the name of my ego! I will say the ‘F word’ loud and clear when I am frustrated. What good does it do me? None. Have I lost friends over it? Yes. Just knowing my ego is vain, and that it insists it is right at any cost (even at the cost of saying the’F word’), helps me to see how I impose misery on myself.
I noticed the focus on the “f” word. I love and appreciate your authenticity. You say out loud what I don’t even want to admit to myself!! I think you have a great advamtage in that. I try to use words like oops and whoops instead of the “curses” as a way toward being kinder and gentler to me.
Indeed, sylvia, a kinder, gentler sylvia is the right and perfect growth tool for sylvia. blessings.
When the ‘F word’ comes from you hypnotically, your ego is running your life. If you choose to use the’F word’ consciously(to make a point or be funny), then you are deciding your responses to life, Don. blessings
Hi Rob.
This certainly is a regular issue. When we get some offset image of who we are, we work with that image, and treat others like they are treating us as that image. Then, we head in the wrong direction because our image is different from reality.
Ego has created some of the great things around us, but it has also led people to the bottom very quickly. Reality is always right, regardless of the image we have in our head, so it is best that our image matches up with reality.
That is quite cool that you are exhibiting at the book fair. That seems like the right place for someone with a book to be at.
Indeed, Armen,our self-image shows itself prominently in our personality. When it is hypnotic – we are robots; when we create our self-image and express it deliberately – we are superlatively creative beings, experiencing ourselves as such. Many movie stars are stars because they are conscious of the ‘I AM’ that they are expressing in the world. Thank you
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Well I don’t know about Ego but I have a winning attitude about life. Some people like to HATE me for it but I don’t care about them. I think it is my attitude that has gotten me where I am today (A high paying job and LOTS OF LADIES!!!). My “humanity” is that I lift the people around me up. I love being able to support and encourage my friends to think BIG!!! Great blog ROB. Peace.
Peace, Magic Marc. You are a character and you love that about yourself. it takes consciousness to appreciate yourself that way. Nice job. blessings
What is your love affair with your ego?
I used to think that right would win and wrong would lose. I insisted on having it acknowledged that I was right.
What do you do for ego satisfaction?
I became that whinning nasty relentless pest when I was “right” and it wasn’t being “properly respected”. I demanded “fairness” as I treated people as unimportant. I justified my obnoxious because I was right. I used to ask “Why won’t they give me what I deserve”? What I didn’t realize was that I was getting exactly what I deserved: the bad behavior, demanding and self-righteous, more than overwhelmed the “rightness” and created a hateful atmosphere for me to live in. My needing to be right was also needing to make them wrong. I got what I deserved. It was totally self imflicted but I did it for years…miserable and I didn’t know any other way. Now I’ve learned to ask “do I want to be right or do I want to win” I would like to win. I would also mention that “smart” seems to make it worse. I am learning to ask in a way that allows someone to give me what I want without them losing.
“This Thanksgiving take a moment to think what a gift you are to others.”
You are a blessing to others as you offer your life-mistakes as learning-lessons for others, sylvia. Nice job. What you teach, YOU learn best! A gift to others is a gift to you. I love your courage to say it as it really is about you. So few do. thank you.
Long ago a friend and I had a one of those long talks about life. After many twists and turns, we went down the path of crossed-expectations. It seems that so much of life’s disappointments or “tragedies” were crossed-expectations.
This taught me the value of creating a mental model that’s effective. It seems like if your mental model runs into conflict, cross-expectations can be a spiral down. Of course, that’s the key. The right lenses can turn crossed-expectations into learning opportunities and more effective responses.
It seems that you put in the time, J.D. to take a good rigorous look at yourself (check in, to see what is going on in there). That is a marvelous habit to get into. Growth always occurs as a result of using self-examination to understand crossed-expectations. thank you
This is funny. I can be a pouter. I was an only child growing up so I figured out that if I pout I will get what I want. The problem is it worked so well. As I became older and wiser and started running my own business I realized that everyone has there own “crazy” way of getting what they want. I realized that most adults are just playing grown up and are stuck in a child’s mentality. Becoming aware of other peoples behavior made me examine my own. Once I took a good look at my own habits I realized I had some work to do !
Very insightful, Carol Anne. Many folks come up with a childhood act to get their way …. and then unconsciously carry it into their adult years (even into old age). Hmmm. Thank you
I’m with you on this one Rob. I can be a total control freak. I start to micromanage and get on peoples nerves. I think this cost me my last girlfriend. She was the one that said I was a control freak. I have not figured out how to stop. I think everyone has something that they just need to learn how to deal with. I see what you mean; this habit used to make me feel good, now it is just a compulsion. ugh!
It’s great when you see what is wrong with you – because then you can do something to make it right with you (you can drop it for something new). Nice noticement about yourself, Alan. blessings.
Ego has been both a blessing and a curse in my life. A blessing because I always thought I was worth more than whatever situation I was in. Growing up in the ghetto, this feeling lead me to where I am today – far from the ghetto. I felt like I was better than what I was being offered, which lead me to drift from the commonalities of my environment. My two cousins (who are like brothers to me) who grew up in the same home as me embraced our surroundings and payed the consequences…one still sitting in San Quentin Penitentiary. Anyhow, as we grew up, we kind of grew a part because I literally thought I was better than the situation I was in.
Add on a few years to the previous and I can still see that my ego resides as a protectant against looking bad. At times, I battle with allowing myself to show humility, although I feel it. I do not want to be viewed as inadequate, or not good enough.
I know the role my ego plans, and yet I find it hard to shade its light from shining.
The process of simplifying your life, Jk, frees you from the complexities which can chain you to conditions and circumstances of the past. As you continue to keep it simple, you are able to remain unaffected by the pull of your ‘ego past’. When you decided you were better than what the ghetto conditions offered you, that was not your ego speaking; that was your higher self (the authentic you, getting through. When you you find yourself still getting caught up with wanting to look good or wanting to be be right at any cost – indeed, that is the ego having its way with you. As you continue to attain mental maturity through simplicity, the mere process provides immunity from the slick ego. A slick fox may be dangerous, but its not a lion. Thank you
Rob – thanks for bringing clarity to me around my ‘higher self” and ego.
Hi JK,
I miss our mastermind tonight. I hope Rob and Nick sell a million books…and come back soon. I want to share this favorite quote “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you…It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. ANd, as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” …Nelson Mandela 1994 Inaugural speach That shine is the authentic self…
Sylvia – thank you for taking the time to share that. That was great!
Rob,
I know this feeling as I too have gone through phases of life where nothing was working, then on and off again. Best thing that worked me so far is to take time to appreciate little things when bigger things are not seem to be working.
it is important to keep yourself in an appreciative mood as much as you can, Zengirl; this awareness is pure gold for you. Thank you for the tip.
I am always starting trouble for no reason. It is like a compulsion of mine to be a wiseguy, and yet I know it does me no good. I seem to get a feeling of importance by doing it even though it ends up making me feel crummy in the end.
One of the most terrifying moments in a person’s life, Canyon, is when a person realizes that he has found the enemy … and it is his very own vain ego! Down that long tunnel of consciousness THERE IS LIGHT! blessings
Hey don’t we essentially need our ego’s? I mean my ego has kept me in line to interpret my failure just the way things where suppose to go. And when the time comes, i will get what i desire when the time is right and I’m ready to receive it. So it cant be so bad right?
The ego wants nothing to change, jonathan, especially you! Therefore, if you desire newness in your life – your ego is your biggest adversity. All folks who cease to fall off mountains, find that it was their ego pushing them. blessings
Rob,
Thanks for sharing this story about your past! This really hits home with me. I would have to say that my moments of happiness are directly related to feeling like I have more to offer and that my potential is not being meet. In these situations I tend to look at how external things aren’t going right and why things aren’t working out like they “should.” I have started to learn that asking myself different questions, such as “what can I do now to get where I want to be?” Instead of why things aren’t how they should be, gives me a much more productive answer and helps me accept the present while I develop my future. I have learned to accept more, without being passive. This has made a huge difference.
I share life stories, Joe, so others may learn from my errors. This story helps explain how I was trying to do something totally unnecessary – prove that I was ‘someone’. I finally realized that self-proving is an endless path that never satisfies. Thank you for your addition to the blog. blessings
All of the motivational speakers say ‘positive thinking’ is the only answer. Are you saying they are all wrong?
The world will insist that ‘positive thinking’ is the only way our of trouble; I am saying the ‘real thinking’ is the effective way out. We have to be real; we have to look at what is wrong and acknowledge it exists in order to make it right. Simply sticking our heads in the sand (like a scared ostrich), and chanting ‘all is well, all is well, all is well’ does not make everything go well.
Nice inquiry, Karl. thank you.
Great post Rob and great question. The good old ego is definitely something that I specifically have been focusing on diminishing for the last 4+ years. It really wasn’t until then that I realized how much damage it was causing in my life. Similar to some of the other commenters, my ego was famous for holding on to its own ideas and comments and defending them. I think after 4 years of chipping away at that idiosyncrasy I am moving in the right direction. I think it is all about working to make ego takes a permanent back seat.
Indeed, Sibyl, when you lop off one arm of the ego, it grows six more with which to strangle you. replacing the programmed ego with the authentic self is a winnable battle, but successfully overcoming the ego’s compulsive ways does requires stick-tuitiveness. Thank you for your input.
I agree with JK. My ego has been a blessings and a curse. I think it has made me successful by thinking I deserve to do well. But it holds me back because I can be a stubborn know it all. Sometimes I’m not sure when I am being a good business man or when I am just be stubborn.
The ego prefers that you just be stubborn, Alan. It is far more interested in you being right than you being successful at anything (including being a businessman). blessings
My big ego used to get me in all sorts of personal tragedies… more like mini-dramas.It is always, “he said, she said” type stuff. I guess gossiping is my worst habit. I still go down that road waaay more than I should. It is entertaining when I’m bored. I always regret and see what a waste of time it is though. Thanks for sharing that about yourself, Rob
Onme of the greatest cheap thrills that the ego gets is when it makes you gossip, Kara. I know; I’ve been there, and still find myself gossiping at times. Thank you
I satisfy me ego by convincing myself that I’m a super-evolved being. I can get way too caught up in my own lofty spiritual ideas. I have to keep that in check so I stop annoying my friends! I’ve learned to keep stuff to myself because I still have a lot to learn. I try to support my friends now instead of trying to solve all their problems with a “holier than thou” attitude.
If we give the ego an inch, it will claim our spiritual growth as its own; next, we find ourselves feeling superior to others who have not taken the spiritual path. Hmmm. Nice noticement, Rus.
I am still struggling with what comes out like “holier than thou”. I somewhere thought that when a friend shared a challenge they wanted me to solve it. When I gave suggestions they were put off. I am so slow to realize that when they want help, they ask for help, and when they just talk, they want me to just listen. I can’t believe what a struggle this is for me. If I don’t help…who am i? Is helping another way of not looking at me and my stuff?
I knwo the “I’m here to fix folks syndrome’, Sylvia. As a rule it simply means that I want to be the general manager of the universe and everything in the vast universe in which I live (and so I have all the answers). Who do you suspect owns this syndrome – the ego or the authentic-self? Hmmm. Thanks for this comment; many can relate to it.
Hmmm. This has got me thinking. I suppose my ego has been responsible for my personal tragedies (except when someone dies). Its probably why I can be a procrastinator. I’m not sure why but I always resist starting new projects. Almost like I say “hey, I’m a procrastinator, this what I do.” I still do that to some degree.
The ego has a million ‘legitimate’ excuses to have us procrastinate, Roger. Procrastination is its greatest tool for stopping us from causing resourceful changes in our lives. Thank you.
I used to mb a real micro-moan champion. Little irks became big beefs to me all the time. It was if the world was in my face and annoying me. It was – merely to show me that most of life is froth and bubble and this week’s hassle is next week’s forgotten moment. So, I try to let things float away like a cloud across the sun eventually evaporating, far more. The genuinely important stuff is people who matter, values that matter, and living how it matters to me – the rest is a fuss over nothing. Another barnstormer of a post Rob!
Nice job, John. You explained the ego wonderfully. I am sure a few folks have learned from your comment. thank you.
I know all about wanting to feel like an important somebody. I spent thousands of dollars on plastic surgery, hoping that would make me a beautiful, important somebody. If that’s not my ego dominating my choices, I don’t know what is.
You are not the first to be hypnotized by the world voice. Cosmetic surgery is a multi-billion dollar industry. Thank you for this sharing, nancyjohn
Hi Rob, I know my worst habit is getting really angry, really quickly. I go from 0- Angry in no time. I never realized until now that all I did was use anger to get attention and get my way. That’s just how things worked in my home growing up. Whoever was the loudest and angriest got their way. I used to think that just how you were supposed to act. I was probably 30 before I realized that not everyone was getting as riled up as I was about things. I used to think there was something wrong with them, like they were weak or something. I am realizing kindness and even tempered approach can be effective too (from reading your blog and book!).
The ego loves to use anger to get its way, Ramone. Anger rarely works. It is self-destructive. The ego cares not if you destroy yourself, as long as you get to insist you are right! Hmmm. thank you
When start doubting myself I start criticizing others. All that is me trying to make myself feel better. When I’m feeling confident I see the great potential in people. Its a constant struggle maintaining a positive attitude and confidence with my music. It can be such a tough road sometimes it is easy just to say everyone else sucks.
I love your personal insight, John” ‘when you feel insecure, you criticize others to feel better (which actually makes matters worse). Nice lesson for all of us. thank you.
In the last year I have become egoless. Through intense meditation and study I no longer succumb to negative nutriments. My main purpose in life now is to share what I have learned with my friends and family. The problem is they are so caught up in with TV, video games and all kinds of stuff that they resent me. But I will persist for there own good.
That’s funny, Alicea. You are being funny, aren’t you. Nice touch (I think). blessings
I don’t have much ego because I have to be good at dealing with big egos. I own a restaurant and have to deal with the big personalities of star chefs. I think the key is to let them be and not take their idiosyncrasiess and ecentricities personally. I used to get offended as an the owner but I learned that always just leads to a big disaster.
Your ‘how to run a successful restaurant philosophy’ has a lot of wisdom in it, GeorgieBoy. Do you apply it to others domains of your life (family, socially, community)? thank you
Yup I’m with you Rob. This article hit home. I’m a definite fusser and insister too! I still do this way too much though. This has helped me see exactly WHY I do it now. I think thats the first step: acknowledging.
acknowledging and allowing the negatives to pass through is what allows you to take command of the mind. Nice noticement, Aaron
Hello there Rob! Just wanted to say how nice it was to chat with you at the book fair in Miami. I’m enjoying my 180 tremendously. It was supposed to be a gift but I am holding onto it
Thank you and Nicholas for signing it. I’ll have to catch up on all these blog articles, so thankful I found you on this Thanksgiving holiday.
You were a shear joy to meet, Mrs. Rodriguez. Thank you for being YOU.
Thats interesting what Armen said. I suppose big Egos have created big works like the pyramids – but personally I think a lot of human lives were wasted appeaasing the big egos of the pharrohs. They would have been better off throwing those big Egos into to the Nile.
What?! Where would we be without ego’s? No great works of art would ever have been created if the artist wasnt after fortune and fame. Personally I work hard and try to get ahead because A) I want to make my family proud and B) I want to make lots of money.
Good morning Manny, I read your post with interest and wonder if you could explain what you mean when you say “no great works of art would ever have been created if the artist wasn’t after fortune and fame.” I appreciate your reasons for wanting to get ahead and wonder if you find that making your family proud and making lots of money feels like enough for you. I too have been motivated by those reasons and was disappointed to find that I can never make enough money or make my family (or myself) proud enough…to feel good about myself. SO in the end I am finding another path. Thanks for a post that got me thinking today.
I appreciate ‘your appreciation’ of Manny’s point of view, Sylvia. When you can appreciate his sincerity – even if you disagree- you open his mind to ponder newness. Nice job.
When we throw away our self-diminsihing beliefs, Joe, we throw Pharohs into the river. blessings
Here is a list of thesaurus meanings I found for “Ego”
self-esteem
self-important
self-worth
self-respect
self-image
self-confidence
Many self-helpers and gurus are selling much of the above list to us. Are they actually trying to sell us our egos? I think our ego as well as anything in life has a value! Everything in this life has two sides, and finding the good can benefit us more than elimination.
Blessings,
Sandra
P.S. When is the next webinar Rob?
Whats up ! Love your ; thanks for sharing it with everyone