May 9th, 2010 by rob white
It was a few years back that it came to me that my most important relationship in the whole wide world was with MYSELF. If my relationship with myself is not working, my relationship with the world and the people in the world will not work, no matter how hard I try.
So, what did it take to establish a fabulous relationship with myself; a relationship that has me very happy with the very intimate person that I wake up to every morning – ‘ME’! If I am NOT happy with me – my day is surely going to prove to be testy. Can you agree with that?
Here are four fabulous rules to follow to create a fabulous relationship with yourself:
Rule # 1: Absolutely Accept Yourself just as you are. Perhaps there are changes you may want to make, but if you resist who you have created yourself to be, you give power to the parts of your personality that you want to improve. That which you resist shall most definitely persist. Why? Because you are pushing at it, and what you push always pushes back!
Rule # 2: Now that you have accepted yourself as you are, hold yourself responsible for making necessary changes. Look ahead and KNOW how you want to be, and set up projects in your life to support the NEW YOU that you are creating. If you are going to be healthier – join the local health club, go jogging, promise to eat vegetables every day – chunk your projects down into manageable parts so that you can accomplish them.
Rule#3: Create a ‘Learning Center’ in your mind where you can go and look at how you are doing. When you find yourself falling back, take the time to notice the mistakes, and ask yourself what you can do to refine your action so you can improve your plan to move toward your aspiration. If you joined the local health club but are not going there – then write a schedule and promise yourself to keep the schedule and reward yourself when you do. “I will go every Mon, Wed & Fri after work for one hour. When I succeed, I will treat myself to a great movie in town.” Keep your promise to yourself.
Rule # 4: Pay attention to how you speak to yourself. Your inward self-talk is a very important part of your growth and development. If your self-talk is scolding, it will discourage you. You will find that you keep falling back to where you were when your self-talk is discouraging. Memorize supportive inward self-talk and refer to it often. My favorite is this: “I am marvelously made and destined to win at whatever I set my mind to.” I remind myself of this often, and especially when I am procrastinating or coming up with excuses to quit my project.
I hope these Four Rules help you with creating a version of you that you love to be with. When you love to be with ‘YOU’, you love to be with others in the world; you love life. What a gift you give yourself and everyone around you. You can do.
You are marvelously made, rob
Wow, rule # 1 is a tough one for me. I am too harsh with myself. What a great way to begin my week (with rule #1 paving the way)
Huh, this is funny. It is like we need to be selfish before we can truly be a contribution to the world. I can get used to that! I like these Rules. This is very timely for me, I have some heavy issues to deal with lately and if I remember to live with gusto it is the best I can do to lift those around me up too. Ok… here I go
Yeah, rule #1 is the one I have to work on too. It is hard to forgive myself for silly mistakes I make. I burn a lot of energy beating myself up for making “stupid” mistakes. The voice in my head says “stupid, stupid, stupid…” I know I’m not stupid but I am capable of being careless. My mother is right when she says “pay attention.” Mothers are always right, especially on mother’s day.
Hey Rob, funny animation – I love the cartoon work on all your images
!
I have no problems loving myself but boy am I hard on myself. I love the learning center idea. If I could just learn all day – especially languages – but yes to all your 4 points. Just need to do more of it!
We all have a tendency to be hard on ourselves, Farnoosh. There is a myth out there that says being harsh is a good way to motivate. Even animal trainers have learned that the carrot works better than the stick. Thanks for your input.
Look ahead and know how I want to be – I love that advice. Thank you. I look ahead and doubt that I have what it takes. This bad habit has cost me many dreams.
Hi Rob, I like these rules because they are uplifting. Most of the rules I have I use to punish myself. I end up beating myself up when I break my rules. I need to do more of the ‘visiting center.’ When I do that I think, “Hey, I’m doing alright. Lighten up!” Thanks for the post.
I love the ‘learning center’ idea. It is a safe space for me to trust I can plan my life and make my plans happen
I really have to pay more attention to how I speak to myself. This rule, I break constantly. I am way to harsh on myself when I do something wrong.
Cool read Rob. I agree that the most important relationship you have is with yourself. How you treat yourself will usually reflect your actions towards life and towards others. That’s why your rules #1 and #4 are so crucial to becoming a more positive and fulfilled person. Thanks man.
I find that how I treat myself always is a relection of how I treat others and how I treat life. That is why, as you have said, Hulbert, it is important to pay attention to your relationship with yourself.
Hi Rob~! I really enjoy your site’s theme, what you have built thus far. How long has your site been up?
About your post, you have some very good insight. You give some very good tips for anyone who might be looking into a nice beginner’s “self-cleansing”101, the tips presented aren’t overwhelming but just enough to get anyone started.
P.S. I love the cartoons, it gives your site and article character
–Parker
Hi Parker, it is nice to meet you. Thank yo for the well thought out feedback. It shows that you really try to make a difference when giving others feedback. Yes, it is important to take baby steps. The ego promotes giant leaps, hoping you will fail (thus it remains in power and you are stuck right where you are).
Hey Rob,
I COMPLETELY agree that our most important relationship is with ourselves. I think a lot of times that people expect others to “fix” or “complete” them. But I personally don’t believe that two “broken” people can make each other complete. At some point, your unresolved issues with yourself will come out. That is why it is so important to do the work on yourself, so you love who you are.
I’m glad you mentioned the importance of positive self-talk. Looking back, I engaged in a lot of negative self-talk. But now I’m very aware of when it happens and stop it immediately. Furthermore, I notice that now I cringe when I hear other people talking negatively about themselves.
Hi greg – great insight that you make: two people who feel incomplete cannot complete one another. Look at the math 1/2 X 1/2 = 1/4. It’as great that you remain awake to your self-talk, Greg. What better way to figure out what the mind is up to.
I also think that our relationship with our Creator is a framework within which we can best accept ourselves. I hope that is not too religious of a comment, but it’s definitely at the core for me. When I put self acceptance in perspective of acceptance a Guiding Power in my life, that is the essence of true serenity and significance.
Each person develops his or her own philosophy Steve. I appreciate that you believe there is a higher power, and I love that you take full responsibility for that (without trying to cram it down others minds). Your attitude is one where you will teach many people a better way of seeing themselves and life because you clearly come from a peaceful state of being. Congrats!
Great rules, Rob! In addition to your wonderful suggestions, I think it’s also important that a person identifies his underlying values. These are the things that an individual wants to experience when a person wants a particular thing. He / She will gain a new perspective if he / she understands what his / her underlying values are. This would allow a person to focus on the positive aspects of his / her life, and as a result, he learns how to accept himself completely.
“What do I want to gain?” Great question to ask whenever we are creating new projects in our lives or whenever we are considering to create ourselves anew. Knowing what feels satisfying and what we enjoy reveals what we consider precious in life, be it the feeling of making a difference, romantic love, sound physical health or even gobs of money – if it is to be, it is up to each and every one of us … thanks you, Dawn
If a man were to ask me what my most important relationship the one with myself would be pretty much last in the list. For me it starts with my relationship with Christ, then my relationship with others around me and then it ends with my relationship with myself. Because honestly what I think and feel about myself isn’t really that important.
Hi B … I appreciate your point of view, and I feel that until we learn to love and accept ourselves, we cannot really ever learn to love and accept others. What thou be-est, thou see-est. I believe Christ was a perfect example of unconditional love because he loved himself unconditionally. Just my opinion. Thanks for the input.
Awesome post Rob, I have a nice tie in coming up for your last point coming soon. All very true points and I understand where Durant is coming from…maybe you don’t feel that way because you do treat yourself good without the need to think about it. You would be surprised though how many people put themselves down for no apparent or good reason.
Hi Amit … I am still training my inward self-talk to appreciate all that is marvelous about me. This is a life-time journey. I like your energy.
Rob –
A really succinct and wise summary of our most important relationship. I like rule 2 a lot – holding ourself accountable for our actions is really powerful. Learning to distinguish between effort and intention and the results helps too. Sometimes things don’t work out the way we intended, however we have to be kind to ourselves and that is part of this great relationship. I like 4 too – I’ve been working on this for a while now and realized i can be pretty cruel to myself. Now i watch this like a hawk and stamp it down before it can start. This one starts with self-awareness and learning to observe your thoughts. Great stuff, Rob!
Phil
Phil, it is clear to me that you take this journey to your unlimnited side very seriously. My 180 book took me 5 years to write – that is how seriously I take this stuff. So I appreciate what you are up to.
Hi rob! Nice article… and the cartoon in ur blog is just amazing. I got you from HowToMingle, I liked your blog…and will be visiting very frequently.
Hi Guru Talks … the illustrations are from Nick. He is a young man who aspires to me a great artist (abstract art). He is looking and knowing. Nothing can stop him. blessings
Great to hear from you Guru Talks… Our goal is to inspire that sense of joy and playfulness that we too often forget. Thanks so much for visiting and responding.
Hi Rob!
Great article. It’s so true that loving ourselves is first. We will only abuse others to the level that we abuse ourselves.
A while back, I made a commitment to being a kinder person. Not just in my actions, but also in my thoughts. I’ve been working really hard at learning not to critisize and judge.This takes time, it’s a process.
What I didn’t realize was that growing in kindness and compassion towards others would create a wealth of kindness and compassion towards myself… the end result of which is true self-love which has improved my life more than anything I have ever accomplished.
Thanks for spreading the word!
Wow, Jenny …. it sounds to me like you are spreading the word of truth – thank YOU for spreading the word!
I love spreading the word of truth – ‘what you think about yourself, you think about the world’.
The truth is sometimes difficult to spread because there are so many naysayers out there.
Dear Rob,
This is so beautiful and more powerful than we can almost imagine. By that I mean, it may sound simple to us to have a loving relationship with ourselves, but all too often most of do not. We are rarely taught how to do this or that it is a GOOD thing, a healthy thing. Often at a young age we are taught that it’s wrong to love ourselves. We aren’t only taught this by the things that our parents sometimes say do; we are also often taught this by our religions, schools, and/or societies. They all can sometimes teach us that we are being arrogant, boastful or prideful to love ourselves.
It was only when I learned to embrace myself and love myself that my life changed, and I truly began to find peace. There is nothing more soothing than being able to be kind, forgiving and loving with ourselves. It allows us to heal. I also think that in having a good relationship with ourselves and feeling good about who we are, we tend to stop letting others abuse us.
I also LOVE the little characters on your site, the stick figures. They just make me feel so dang happy. Very unique and yet so totally expressive. I always smile when I see them.
Thank you for sharing this key truth. It really does change our lives. I felt soothed just reading this. Robin
Hi Robin … you touched my heart with your sharing. You have something to say that is very valuable to the world. I hope you get out there and share it. blessings, rob
Hi Robin,
I am so glad you enjoy “Noteman.” I’m hope you delight in seeing him as much as I delight in drawing him. Thank you for visiting and commenting. Stay tuned for more…
Nick
I love your stickfigure that you call noteman , too. Does he have a notewoman in his life, Nick?
Check out this weeks blog. Noteman is in love! Thanks Karen
speaking about noteman; there should be a ‘sour note’ and a ‘sweet note’. Or is noteman all of it?
A relationship with myself – I never thought in those terms. I like that idea. I have to toy with it for a while.
Interesting idea, takes the abandonment stuff off the table. We may run but we can’t get away from ourselves. The start of this journey for me was in my language. I said yes, yes, I avoid yea but, ok, curse words. It’s part of making a positive environment to grow in. I love to hear everyones thoughts. It helps me see many perspectives. I am so happy to be learning in the right direction finally. thanks
wow I love your sense of curiosity, sylvia …. thank you for the contribution that you are.
Interesting idea, takes the abandonment stuff off the table. We may run but we can’t get away from ourselves. The start of this journey for me was in my language. I said yes, yes, I avoid yea but, ok, curse words. It’s part of making a positive environment to grow in. I love to hear everyones thoughts. It helps me see many perspectives. I am so happy to be learning in the right direction finally. thanks everyone
thanks Rob for the venue and Nick for the friendly visuals.
Your very welcome Sylvia! My pleasure. Thanks so much for visiting and commenting. Always good to see you here.
You are a curious being and an appreciative being – wonderful combination, sylvia …. I expect that your life will offer you a lot of enriching experiences.
WOW – pay attention to how I speak to myself! That’s a good one. I never thought it mattered, but I can see now that it does.
Nice ‘noticement’ Jay … YES, how we speak to ourselves makes all the difference in the world.
When I make little of my relationship with myself, I make little of my life. What a tragedy that can be.
I am having a terrible relationship with myself, lately … I want a divorce from myself for awhile!
I go to my mental ‘Learning Center’ every evening before I retire for the night. I go over my day’s interactions and grade how I feel I did. it works.
Great tip to share with others, Tom.
I have a great relationship with myself. That is a true pleasure – getting along with myself.
I know when my relationship with myself is not working – I begin getting too harsh with my kids.
Number 3 and 4 are intriguing to me. I like the idea of a Learning Center in my mind. I am always learning, and love to ask questions. I like making it formal in my brain.
Number 4, though I know about… is always a great reminder. Sometimes I’m not kind to myself. I want to remember that love heals. By loving myself I can take myself better places.
Indeed, rebecca, when we love ourselves we can transport ourselves to great spaces…. and take ourselves to better places. I like that thought.
I am going to take Rebeccas comment seriously …
I am completely accepting myself, warts and all. What a relief!
My sister has the greatest relationship with herself. She is always pampering herself. I don’t know if she is spoiling herself, though.
If your sister is loving herself AND loving her family and friends and neighbors as much as she is loving herself – then she is truly a soaring spirit, Don
I’ve just decided that my most important relationship is with god. Now I just have to determine where I find god – inside of me or out there beyond the farthest galaxy?
You know what? I tried having a talk with myself but people looked at me funny. So I told myself to shut up… Funny thing. People still look at me funny
Wow. I really resonate with the material on this post, and this blog in general. I am glad I found you on here. When we truly look within and accept the light inside ourselves, we can then make that contribution in a major way to others because we are coming from a space of truth and honesty by first embracing that inner self and thus it shows outwards in our contribution to others.