January 10th, 2010 by rob white
One of the biggest fears of letting go of old habit patterns is that we will not be ourselves any more. The fear of extinction prevents us from seeing that the Habitual-Self must fade away in order to make room for a higher version of oneself.
When it comes to creating a ‘brand new you’, your work is to notice your fear of not existing at all if you let go of too much of the old you. One way to do this is to notice how family, friends, and neighbors will try to stop you if you begin changing too much, and that’s because they fear they won’t know how to relate to you.
Here is what these people are doing: in order to cling to the old you so they feel comfortable, they make disgruntling remarks and call you phony when you begin behaving in dramatically new ways. They have no conscience in making you feel foolish if they feel uncomfortable with your new self-creation. They are like demanding musicians insisting that you dance to the music they play for you.
Take a look at all the people and things you have around you that support your staying the same, even if the current version of you is not working for you; then ask yourself, “Am I willing to change in spite of my resisting surroundings?” When the answer is a resounding ‘YES,” you have taken a giant step forward toward creating a New You!
I can feel the resistance I have about creating a new me. What if I fail – Then what happens? Can I get the old me back or has it disappeared and now I am invisible to the world? Sounds wierd, but I sense it. Thanks.
thats soooo funny. I felt like this after the first quarter of the Patriots game today. But I stuck around for the BF. I should have gone for a nice walk instead
My boyfriend changed in ways I don’t like. I hope he does disappear.
I,ve quit drinking and started going to the gym, and my best friend is very digruntled about it. It’s like she doesn’t want to see me improve.
Quitting drinking was revelatory for me. You see who your real friends are and just how shallow your relationship is to your “drinking buddies.” I have much different/healthier view of life when I stop into my watering hole now.
I can see how creating myself anew will have me fear the old me will disappear and there will be nothing there of me. What if I fail? I think we turn to booze to escape ourselves, and yet we don’t dare have it be permanent.
Great insight, Lama. Booze does help us temporarily escape from our False-Self; but it is always a temporary escape that does more damage than good.
I can see how I cling to the old me because it makes me feel comfortable even if I feel miserable. Comfortable with my misery – now that’s a hell of a wrong way to experience life!
Great insight, Morris: ‘Being comfortable with feeling miserable’ is one ‘hellish’ experience that all of us can do without.
It is so commonplace for me to feel miserable these days, that it actually feels good when I just feel numb. Somethings missing with this formula.
Feeling good when you feel numb is an interesting concept, Nina. Take ‘numb’ up a notch by seeing that it is out of the ‘miserable hole’. Now use ‘numb’ as your platform to soar higher into an attitude of appreciation. Look for the smallest things in your life to be grateful for.
Rob, congratulations on getting 180 in Book Shop Santa Cruz. Book Shop Santa Cruz is clearly the Mecca for locals in Santa Cruz when looking for a great book.
Clinging to the old me for fear I will disappear. Hmmm. I think it’s my husband that clings to the old me for fear I will leave him if he acknowledges the new me.
Am I willing to change in spite of the fact that my whole world resists it? Wow that’s a tall order. What do I get, other than a lot of criticism?
You get to be your unlimited Authentic-Self, John …. and that right there is PURE GOLD!
I called my girfriend a phony and she stopped talking to me. since then she has made new friends and I feel left out.
Hi Louise, we all make miss-takes. The blessing is that we can learn from them and pledge to handle things differently next time. Welcome to the human race – we are continually zig-zagging our way through life; the secret is to learn the lesson being offered.
My family gets very angry when I say i want to change my ways. They take it very personally, which makes it difficult for me.
I had no conscience is making by brother feel foolish. I actually thought it was funny. He laughs loudest now – he’s in medical school and I never finished college. I think I spent too much time putting others down.
I’ve begun cleaning up my office and my car so they represent clarity rather than confusion in my life. It reminds me that I want more clarity and less confusion in my life. It works.
When it comes to improving myself, my surroundings really put the kybosh on it. Everyone laughs at me when I say I want to go take an accounting course and get a brand new job.
“I intend to change in spite of my resisting surroundings.” I say that daily, and it is beginning to have a great affect on my attitude. Try it everyone. it works.
It is very obvious to me that the earth is very complete, especially on a beautiful spring day when all of the trees are blossoming. And I am able to notice how complete I am when I am experiencing an internal spring day; I find my behavior blossoms in many ways.
I try to stop myself when I find myself changing too much. It’s scarey. Thanks for the insights, rob.
I have a ton of friends who are like demanding musicians insisting I dance to the tunes they play. I like looking at it that way. It’s easier to say ‘no’.
Do whatever it takes to break free from the mental grips of those who insist they always know what is best for you, Steve. It’s exhilarating!
The idea of a ‘brand new me’ excites me. I am more concerned with the idea that this is not a possibility than with losing the old me.
I never hear tht resounding YES anymore when I ask if I am willing to change. Maybe I’m getting too old for that.
My habit patterns define me; of course if I let them go I won’t be who I used to be – duh.
My friend is filled with discouraging and putdown remarks – he’s not my friend any more.
Taking a major steps requires a resounding YES. I am up to that. I have had it with my whimpering yes’s that amount to nothing.
A lot of people have no conscience when it comes to making other people feel foolish; that’s why so many relationships are on the rocks these days.
I feel very uncomfortable with my sister’s self-creation. She’s into piercing and strangely colored dyed hair. It’s difficult not to be discontent with how she is creating herself.
My fear of letting go of the ‘current me’ that I experience myself to be is that there are parts of it I like, and I will lose those – so why gamble.
I don’t think the world has a conscience when it comes to making us feel foolish. Look at children, how they will mock their classmates until we teach them its wrong to do that.
my dog has a fear of extinction every time I correct him for barking too much. He runs in the corner and shakes even though I have never struck him. Yet, he still barks and barks for no reason?
I don’t think I’ve taken a giant step forward toward creating a better me since I was five years old. I’ve been in a stall for decades, but I can see if it is to be it really is up to me. Great tip, Rob
My father not only is a musician that thinks I should turn and dance to his tunes, he also thinks he is a maestro and his tunes are the best in the world; yet he is miserable most of the time. Can you see my frustration?
I remember the ‘brand new me’ that would come out of me every couple of years when I was younger. It is time to let that flexible part of me have its say in newly creating me. Great idea.
Lately, I have become the ‘grumbling remarks king’. It seems that I have something to complain about no matter where I go. Thanks for the heads up.
Just saying YES was a giant step forward for me today. I filled out an application for a new job and have an interview next Monday. Without the YES, I’d still be stuck with the old job (I’m thinking positively).
I looked at my clothes and realized they were all old and worn. If I was going to freshen my life, it was time to refresh my wadrobe. That was a great aid, Rob. Thanks for the idea that my surroundings support me with being exactly how I am.
Whenever I meet someone who is successful, I feel uncomfortable. I can see what that is telling me about ME: I feel uncomfortable with success. Thanks, rob, for the tip – ‘awareness is step 1 to change’. Perhaps I have not changed, but at least I am aware of the fact that I am causing my own problems.
Branding a new me. That’s what I call it when I decide to change my ways to improve my effectiveness in life. I agree that it takes work and many people will not like it, but it’s my life – I’ve got to do with it what pleases me.